L's contemplation
by bettySSalways
Summary: Set when L and Light are chained together, L contemplates his life so far, and in L's hurt, Light comforts him, out of guilt? A/U i do not own my dear L :


Nights had always been a long tedious part of life for L, he never slept, and the dark rings under his eyes were proof of that. He didn't really know whether it was because he chose not to… or whether… he just couldn't. When he was small his sleeping patterns were wrong for a child, and as his age progressed, he wouldn't sleep a wink for a whole week. People had said they have never caught him sleeping, he didn't really want them to see, when you are asleep you are at your most vulnerable, he didn't want to be seen weak.

How many times he did not know, L rolled over again onto his side, the usual jingle of chain following his movement. The floor was not comfy, the sleeping bag would twist up at the end, he didn't have a pillow and his already rounded shoulders ached from his lying position. He couldn't venture downstairs to find a sweet snack because he was chained to light-kun by handcuffs and a long silver chain. Light was in the bed, engulfed in warm feathery pillows and encased like a caterpillar in a duvet. L had turned down these luxuries and offered to 'sleep' on the floor instead, after all, isn't that what friends do?

Light let out a large snore, L resisted a small snort of laughter. Of all the nights L had been attached to light, he had noticed that he was an extremely light sleeper and an early riser, rousing at around six in the morning just to have breakfast.

For a while L drifted into thought about how other members of the task force slept, were they light sleepers? He bet Matsuda was a thick sleeper, just like his brain he supposed.

"Mmmm…" light mumbled, tossing over and letting his hand hang from the side of the bed.

"Light-kun?" … no reply, he must be dreaming. A series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep. interesting, what it would be like to venture into someone elses dreams, to live their thoughts.

L tilted his head, his black orbs analyzing the intricate details of Lights hand. curiously, L poked Light's index finger, pulling away sharply when Light snorted and pulled his hand back under the covers. L began gazing at the blank ceiling again, the hand reminded him, reminded him of long lost and pushed away thoughts: taking into account he was never good with girls, he had never held a girls hand within his, never kissed anyone either, L was 25 and had never had contact with a special person.

So… had his life been… well, wasted? He had never been round to getting the small things done in life, like love for instance. He had never truly loved…

This daunting prospect startled him, so much he sat up abruptly biting his nails harshly. He needed to find Watari and ask him something. Forgetting his situation with the handcuffs, L got out from his sleeping bag and tried to exit the bedroom, only succeeding in pulling light from the bed. The sudden tension in the chain made L fall the floor with a bone shattering thud, he winced and groped for his shoulder.

"AHHH!" light yelped as he hit the floor, landing in the soft stuffing of the sleeping bag.

"Bloody hell Ryuzaki, What on earth do you think you're doing?" light asked forcefully, pulling himself up and dusting himself off.

"I merely wanted to ask Watari a question…" he said innocently, staring at his toes and sitting up.

Light breathed, clearing all frustration from his head before speaking, gripping the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

"… fine, do you still want to go?" he asked. L bowed his head to the ground.

"No, it can… it can wait… you go back to sleep, I'm sorry for waking you Light-kun." maybe it was the apology, the sleeping bag on the floor, the hunched , lonely figure sat, head bowed halfway across the room that made him take action, or it was guilt. Whichever it really was, light strode over, put his arms under L's shoulders and hoisted his to his feet.

"Thank you, Light-kun. I will return to my bed now." L began to make his way back when- wait… was that a hand enclosed around his? Was light-

"Look, Ryuzaki, you can share the bed with me if you want to, the floor really doesn't look comfortable."L turned slowly, finger in his mouth and looked down at his loose hanging hand in Light's.

"okay." He murmured, following light to the bed.

"You stay on that side, I stay on this side. Okay?" light said, drawing an imaginary line on the covers.

"Yes." L said shortly, watching light clamber back under the white duvet cocoon and face the opposite way, all the while the chain jingling.

Quite unsure of himself, L slowly sat on the covers, pulled his legs over and lay on top of them; he didn't want to steal the duvet from light. He turned to face lights back; curiously, he reached out a hand, reaching out to touch lights square shoulders.

"no." he whispered to himself, balling his hand and pulling away. He wanted to pat his friend on the back, he had seen companions of such make this notion in films, read it in books and observed it in human life.

L tucked his legs to his frail chest, breathing lightly, all his muscles relaxed as he floated in the sub space of thought. He really had missed a lot, love, friendship, childhood. In those deep inky eyes were reflected his past, the cold bitter rain beating down on a small boy, a lone stray, abandoned by the ones who were meant to matter most, he never knew who they were. Countless cases past him by, he turned down the ones he didn't take personal interest in, how many other innocent lives might have been saved if he had taken them?... maybe he could have loved someone, he could have found that person at Wammy's?

All these things, valuable objects to the mind, had been blanked from his life, deprived. L bore the scars, the dark circles, curved back, sweet food addictions. Maybe he… looked and felt like this because he had missed out? A hole in his brain and mind was not filled with the needs a human being requires.

"L? Are you crying?" L surfaced, face to face with light. Gingerly he felt his cheeks, warm trails of water tracked down his skin and onto the pillow.

"Uh-'he sniffled a bit and sat up, wiping his forehead on his sleeve and breathing shakily. "It is nothing, Light-kun, I'm sorry for waking you again." L's head flopped on his chest, behind the black mop of hair, tears fell again, tumbling from under his eyelids and pattering on his feet. _Why was it worth worrying now? He did this… so he could be who he was, he gave it all up? So why was he crying? _

Maybe because, L knew the end was near, close enough to touch, and knowing he hadn't fulfilled these 'tasks', meant he hadn't lived this life, he wanted to stay in this world.

"Ryuzaki what's wrong?" light questioned, sitting up too.

"i- please, don't worry light, it really is nothing." Light had never seen a man, especially L, look so hurt or silently distraught. He tilted his head to the side and furrowed his brow, L really was crying. Not quite knowing if it was the right action to uptake, light gingerly patted L's back, trying to soothe the detective. L recoiled a little and looked like he wanted to shrink as Lights hand brushed his spine, but soon relaxed and continued sobbing silently.

"Will you promise something, light?" L turned, a now serious look patterning his features, the black plate like eyes glossy as tears tracked on his cheeks.

"Yes, okay, what am I promising?"

"That you will be my friend…forever." Light bit his lip, only he could know what was going through his head at this moment, mixed feelings.

As quick as a heartbeat, L felt his arms sweep from under him, with support gone he fell lightly back to the bed, suddenly a warm wall of an object was pressed up to his back. Light had pulled L in tight to his chest, put him under the cover and laced his arms around L. L opened his mouth In slight shock.

"Yes, Ryuzaki, I promise you." L felt the arms tighten around him, a barrier, haven and a protector. he timidly snuggled back against Light and balled his fists in the sheets.

L had never slept so well in all his life.


End file.
